Nosferatu, eine Symphonie des Grauens/Nosferatu: A Symphony of the Night (1922)

Country: Germany

Released: March 4h, 1922

Genre: Horror

Directed by: F.W. Murnau

Produced by: Enrico Dieckmann

Written by: Henrik Galeen

Having just watched Nosferatu, eine Symphonie des Grauens I must say I'm disappointed. Nosferatu was supposed to be one of the big ones, up there the Das Cabinet Des Dr. Caligari in terms of cultural influence. It was a milestone in horror and is still regarded as a cinematic masterpiece to this day.

Hell, even Spongebob referenced it at one point.

Yet despite all of that I could not be more underwhelmed, and for a few moments while watching it I felt like I was going to fall asleep.

Yeah, harsh.

Nosferatu is your typical vampire story and therein lies its main problem: it's too iconic for its own good. Every beat, every plot point, every trope has been repeated in almost every non-sparkling vampire movie ever made. Watching it I unconsciously started going down a mental checklist of every cliche it used.

• Creepy, suspicious invitation to an Eastern European country? Check.
• Scared, superstitious villagers that beg the protagonist to leave their cursed lands? Check.
• Coachmen dropping off the protagonist before his destination, saying "this is as far as I go"? Check.
• Foreboding castles on mountaintops? Check.
• Stout, spooky henchman referring to the main Vampire as "master?" Check.
• Coffins, mind-control, and virginal victims? Check, check, aaand check.

Just throw in Gene Wilder and Teri Gar and you've yourself an awesome Mel Brooks spoof.

I mean this has got to be one of the most acute cases of the "Seinfeld is Unfunny" trope I've ever seen. Basically when Nosferatu was first released it was so groundbreaking that its style has been completely woven into the fabric of the genre, so much so that looking back on it now it boarders on self-parody. When our main character Thomas Hutter (Gustav von Wangenheim) finds Count Orlock (Max Schreck) sleeping in a coffin and starts panicking at the sight I just thought "of course he's sleeping in a coffin. He's a vampire, that's what they do. What do you expect?" It's easy to forget that at the time that must of been a terrifying revelation to viewers. Vampires have become such a cultural staple that watching characters who are completely ignorant of their mythology feels odd and unfairly makes them look like morons. When Hutter wakes up with two bite marks on his neck and waves them off as mosquito bites I was stunned. "Mosquito bites? What the hell are you talking about, man? It's obviously a vampire bite, have you never seen Dracula?"

Of course he hasn't! This is 1922, Dracula wouldn't come out for another ten years. The result of all this familiarity is that it doesn't feel scary. It's been done so much that when the film presents itself this earnestly it comes off as laughable.

My favourite example of this by far is when Hutter shows a photo of his wife Ellen (Greta Schröder) to Orlock, to which the Count says, "is this your wife? What a lovely throat!" I'm serious, I copied that verbatim. For a moment I felt like I was watching a Simpsons Treehouse of Horror special. "And you better not put garlic on the pizza we ordered," he goes on to say. "I hate garlic! And stakes through the heart, you could say I think they're a pain in the neck. And you know what, not a fan of sunlight to be honest. Not because of any sun allergy or anything, because I'm a vampire. Whoops, did I say that out loud? You better forget that part."

Hutter then shrugs and says "Well that was odd. But he did say to forget that vampire bit so I have no problem leasing him the house next-door to mine." That last part wasn't a joke, that pretty much is the plot of the movie: Orlock wants to buy property in Hutter's home town of Wisbourg and Hutter is sent to sign the deal with him. 

And this is really where the movie begins to fall apart for me. The second half feels disjointed. Orlock travels to Wisborg by boat in his coffin and a subplot about a plague pops out of nowhere completely ending any interest I had in the original story. 

The film just isn't scary. It isn't even eerie or spooky or haunting or anything. It's just dull. There are some exceptions of course: the scene on the boat where Orlock kills the crew is claustrophobic and creepy (and would have made for a decent horror movie all on its own), and Orlock himself is pretty damn spooky what with his long nails and sharp, gaunt features. But any terror I may have felt towards him evaporated when the film shows him wandering the streets of Wisborg luging his coffin on his shoulders, a visual so silly it would have made a great gag in Hotel Transylvania (which, by the way, is probably the best Adam Sandler movie to come out in the last, like, ten years. I know that's not saying much but still, it's not bad).

None of this is helped by the absolutely baffling music choices made for the movie. Some of the music felt straight out of a Disney cartoon, and it's completely mind-boggling. Every time something scary is going on on screen suddenly a funky jazz snare starts playing and I feel like I'm a watching Mikey Mouse and Duke Ellington jamming in the Cotton Club, all while a vampire is killing people.

So can I recommend Nosferatu for the five of you reading this? Well, it's tough to say. Max Schreck is a fucking boss and looking back on it I'd be lying if I said it wasn't interesting watching the origin of one of the most important mythologies in history. Some of the lighting is also neat, with the last scene in particular making great use of Orlock's shadow to create one of the most famous visuals in horror movie history. Plus a brief scene with some flies and venus flytraps was genuinely eerie and probably had had some thematic symbolism (I wouldn't know, I was pretty sleepy by that point). But is that worth sitting through what is essentially a b-grade parody? As much as it pains me to say it, no. Everything in this movie has been done better in subsequent iterations, and when the credits rolled I was left wishing Bela Lugosi had been in it. 

Ah well, here's hoping Dracula makes up for it.